For me to make sense of how I present in a world that seems to not be made for me I turned many times towards alternative therapies, alternative spirituality, fringe groups and at times toxic gurus and ways of being. From a young age I believed I was a devil worshipper due to my amazing imagination that was so fertile believing I had seen the devil around my teenage years in my garden. I look back on this time as it was a visit from the nature spirit pan. That did set me on a path though of looking at various religions & spirituality in the only way an AuDHistic can – intensely. I had never been brought up within a religious framework, I was christened and I was Church of England, apparently. But for me I was drawn to nature, I was drawn to witchcraft, I was drawn to paganism and my bedrock for all of this faith that I found was influenced hugely by a children’s Greek storybook on the Greek myths, the one I was drawn to mostly was the myth of Persephone. It is quite ironic that later on in life, as I learned more about my astrological birth chart, I then find the major influences in there of the Persephone story within the mutable signs of Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius and Pisces.
Walking out in nature has been the one thing that has calmed my mind over the years. I always had special places that I visited, places where I felt I could be myself and a lot of the time I was alone whilst walking within these places, with only Gaia by my side. I do feel my sanity would have been at a quicker breaking point if it hadn’t been for being able to connect to nature in such a deep way, in such a way that I don’t even know if I actually have the words to describe it. All I know is that going outside for a walk made me feel so much better. It is only now with hindsight that for ADHD exercise is such a good thing to do. I know that there are many that indulge in things such as parkor or skating, the gym or swimming but for me it’s always been walking. I did try running at one point but never really kept that up, walking has always been a passion and will continue to be so as long as I am able to do it.
I joined a local pagan group in my late 20s. It was full of wild and wonderful and beautiful characters. I spent a good few years with this group where we would celebrate the fire festivals of the year along with the equinoxes and solstices. I grew a lot in my understanding and knowledge but there was always something in the background that held me back and made me think that I was doing things wrong, I was very aware of myself, and it wasn’t a comfortable place to be a lot of the time. This was never due to the people within the group. This was due to my high anxiety that I had ended up being saddled with over the years that at times would get me to the precipice of depression. I went through some pretty horrendously lonely times as I’m sure that those of us on the neurodivergent journey have been. I’m pretty sure that it’s through lack of finding a quiet way to shake off this mortal coil as to why I’m still here. But I do hope that I am here for a reason and one of those reasons is to continue sharing my story and sharing the things that I find have worked for me over the years.
From a love of nature, a love of science, creativity and the way that these all meshed together I ended up dropping down the rabbit hole of photography and printing with my first jobs. I found cameras and film amazing things, I found them brilliant and the process of printing to me was alchemical. This has turned into a lifelong passion hence why I have such a full and colourful Instagram page. For me as the most recent breakdown that I had which was approximately three years ago I have found solace in my photography and my images. To me I read messages from them. There may be those that think this is a bit mad. However for me what it does is it keeps me not only on an equilibrium but it also helps guide me in a way that is a comfort. And it’s also rarely wrong.
I had in times past dabbled in things such as at ceremonial magic, tarot, blood magic and various things in the same ilk. And what I learned from this pathway to me is that magic is everywhere, it is something that doesn’t stop, it is something that is there for everyone if they wish to find it. Again I know that this is not for everybody but for me this has been part of my path and it is part of my consolation in knowing and believing in myself and coming back to who I am authentically. I can be happy with the terminology witch, as this is what I am, more hedgewitch if you want to get technical. I am a matron of the earth, I am a pagan, I am a shaman of images and of earthly delights. And it has been an absolute trauma and pleasure journeying back to who I am.
Now you may be wondering as to why I have shared the information above. This is because I think it is very, very, very important for those of us on the neurodivergent journey and those of us who are late diagnosis, to remember that the best thing is to get back to our authentic selves. What it seems within my journey that I have found, is I have found a mistrust in myself, this is not a good thing. And to be able to continue being my authentic self and lead my way back to trusting my gut feelings again means I return to who I was before I was told I was wrong. Being the happy go lucky Joanne, the one who was happy in herself digging her fingers into the soil, the one who found delight in watching butterflies, the one who knew when things were wrong. I want to get back to that person, I want to trust myself again and I want to know that I have my best interests at heart. How this is gonna happen may not take just me, it may take intervention from other services and I am hoping the ADHD Coaching with an ADHD Coach will also be beneficial too. And whilst I can’t say for sure, as to whether this will change me dramatically, I have every faith that it will help me return to a far more authentic version of myself than I have been for decades. So for me it has been a combination of the faith that I have in nature as my support and my guide. The faith that I have in the services that I access. It’s also thanks to the GP, who did listen to me and did refer me on for an assessment – even though I never expected to be ADHD, although it absolutely makes perfect sense. But I do hope that these musings, these wittering’s, do help somebody somewhere along the way that they might be inspired to seek a path that’s right for them. Because that’s what it’s all about, is finding the one that’s right for you. Having someone walk beside you while you’re doing it helps and I hope if you need it, that this blog does that for you if you need it.