Self belief has not come easily. It has come through a lifetime of doubt of being put down, of being told that I am wrong, that my ideas are too way out there, of being told that I should not be the way I am, of being told that I need to follow the rules because the rules are there for a reason even if they don’t make sense. I am half inclined in the fact that 30 years ago I did not want to be part of this society due to how much they were trashing the environment. I now find myself 30 years on in an environment that is starting to crack. It’s also a society that is starting to crack when there are so many people who suffer with anxiety and depression and if someone does not look at the statistics and data on that and say ‘there is something seriously wrong with this society’, then they really are in La La Land. It would be nice to think that those of us of the neurodivergent persuasion could live in harmony alongside the current neurotypical society but this would mean building a society to work alongside it. And who knows maybe it would not be that hard in the fact that we already have some kind of Arts, Music and Culture within our society that more than likely is made up of Neurodivergents anyway. We could just make our own rules rather than stick with the antiquated ones.
What does self belief mean to me? To me it means an inner knowledge and knowing of who I am. Not just who I am but also being very aware of ‘self’, my spirit, my values, my body, my inner voices and how this permeates in to the world (or percolates!). To me it is a holistic way of approaching my understanding of myself and my part in the world. It also means that I listen to my body more and I try and give it the things that it is asking for because a lot of the time they turn out to be the correct type of thing that I need, for helping to regulate myself and function in such a way that is more beneficial to me.
It is intuitive, it is beyond logic and science and neuroscience and psychology and psychiatry. It is all of those and more. It could take a leap of faith, faith that you are the one that knows what is best for you. And I am not saying this to say that therapy, counselling, coaching and any other helping services do not have their place. Because I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t turned to some of those modalities in my river of life. However self-belief in and of itself is ethereal and something that I cannot just give to someone else. I could give them the tools. But this does not guarantee that they will get to the same place that I have.
I just know that my inner self belief is like a perpetual motion motor of emotions that breeds positivity in my body. When I hear other people talking about their struggle and I can hear such negative self belief and self thought I don’t know how to persuade them that being positive about who they are would solve a good chunk of their issues. And it’s not about gloss coating negative thoughts I think for those of us who do have ADHD we will have come across trauma in our lives not just once but probably many times, which is also part of the reason for us developing in the way we have. Start liking who you are. If you are a big bag of emotions, as I have often described myself, be happy about that. If you live in fear of your dark side or shadow side, then don’t. Be kind to yourself. Do you know how many people run away from their emotions or feelings. I LOVE my feelings. I LOVE my over-emotions. They aren’t wrong. They also aren’t RSD. They are me. And I celebrate them, even if they have driven me to the depths of despair. I am so glad to feel. It is the best gauge in the world for me.
I do also turn to my astrology, it gives me a blueprint of what was there when I was born. My various potentials and my pitfalls throughout life are there in front of me in a diagram. And for me it’s been innately working with that and the planetary movements that go on a daily, hourly, monthly or yearly basis that helps me understand and navigate my world in a deeper way than the layperson. For instance I know that if I have read about the Jupiter retrograde and how that may negatively impact me that if things start to go wrong when I am trying to expand or start new things that I have the understanding that the energies may be working against me. And I have a preference to work with the energies rather than against them. So being flexible to accommodate this helps. Me being tuned in to who I am and how I am has been beneficial within my life but I also know it’s played a huge part in understanding my AuDHDistic side and being accepting of that in such a way that I have managed to calm down far quicker for the first time in my life. All the studies and understandings of my capabilities and my true self have finally paid off. This is not to say that the addictive side of my personality does not exist, I just have more self-preservation these days. And being aware of the tendency towards addiction means staying in a place where I give a shit about myself is the better place to be, self belief being the beginning of such a place.
One thing that I find has helped with my self-belief is being able to understand my gut feeling. Having suffered with IBS since my mid 20s I have listened to my gut far more over the years maybe than most people have. To me being able to tune into the gut brain and understand what the difference is between something that feels good and something that doesn’t feel good has been beneficial for me. For instance when I have to make a decision between a social gathering or staying in and I am trying to be as kind to myself as possible I will see how each of those scenarios feels within my stomach before making a decision. This can be so, especially in regards to procrastinating around going out and being social at a particular point. A struggle that is very real for the AuDHDistic’s in this world.
Having self belief has the effect of becoming more confident in who you are. It tends to permeate through your psyche and to such a point that a lot of other people comment on it. A lot of other people say how much I seem to have changed since the beginning of the year, especially those that work with me on a regular basis. Becoming aware of my AuDHDistic inner being has been the best thing that has happened to me. Being the kind of person that has always done self inquiry has also been beneficial to me. I also think that kindness and self compassion needs to start with yourself because unless you can actually be kind to yourself no one else is going to be. Like attracts like and all that. Really, when that berating voice kicks in again, just ask if that is kind. I remember when someone pointed that out to me, stopped me in my tracks and bought tears to my eyes for how cruel I could be – to me!
For those that are still struggling as to whether they should get a diagnosis or not I would wholly encourage them to do this. Yes, the waiting lists are big, but get on it! Any diagnosis, self or official, that is not the end of it, there is no end when it comes to the self. However the biggest part of my swim in the river of life is that my self- belief and self understanding has become the core to me being OK with who I am. That in and of itself sounds like a simple statement. However getting to that point certainly hasn’t been. I could have continued to blame others, I could have continued to blame the system for failing me, I could have continued to blame my upbringing and a myriad of other things that probably have added to my distress over the years. I am also well aware that when I have approached other services, talking therapies, nature therapies, all those kinds of things – that I know I have got to the point where I am unable to do it on my own anymore. But I am also hyper aware that unless I put the effort in myself that those therapies and services and anger towards the things that I blame will never change because I am unable to. It can take a while to get to that point where change takes place. I am not sitting here and saying after 53 years that has been easy because it hasn’t. It’s taken a lot of tears and a lot of heartbreak. But I am still here. In this world. With loved ones and friends around me that not only understand me, but love me for being the quirky beast that I am and always will be. A right soppy one to be fair. Learn to love yourself, believe in you. Because the world needs the variety and Neurospicy is the best!
