One of the main reasons as to why I went down the route of diagnosis, was because of the string of failed relationships that I saw, and still see, behind me. It was within the last decade that I actually took myself to Relate counselling because I had got to the point where I just could not continue failing at relationships. Every relationship I had, I would either end up with a narcissist, somebody that needed saving or someone else’s beau! And I am sure you can guess, it would end up with me being in a very vulnerable place, not just emotionally, but at times financially and practically as well. It would pretty much crush me every time.
For me one of the reasons as to why I went to Relate was because I noticed a cyclic pattern, as well as easily blaming the common factor that was me. I therefore went through another stage in my life where I understood that I needed fixing because something was going very wrong. However from a very young age I inadvertently ended up as counsellor between my parents. This had a very big effect when stepping into my own personal relationships and I was quite determined from a very young age never to be beholden to someone because of finances. This was a very naive and simplistic way of looking at the struggles that my parents relationship presented to me from a young age. Understanding as I do now about my heightened sensitivity I can see as to how my interpretations could have been incorrect. Knowing now about being neurodivergent and that this is genetic, I can look at my parents with very different eyes. It’s just a shame that both of them have ended up with dementia and I do wonder as to whether undiagnosed neurodiversity within their particular generation is related in some way to the major onset of dementia that now riddles our western society.
At the moment I don’t really know where I stand on intimate relationships. I have read and listened to various podcasts of the neuro divergent persuasion that are usually hosted by people who have settled partners. This is not the case for me. I will also not go into the realms of dissecting my last failed relationship as I don’t think that that would be fair on the person themselves. However I do find myself currently slipping down a certain route, believing it is to do with my hyper focus and my autistic side for investigation. Part of my conclusion for my previous relationship failures has been that apparently I have unmet needs. I have therefore been looking at and reading about and speaking to people in regards to polyamory. It does seem to be a bit of an administration nightmare and as I do find myself these days having a serious lack of energy more than bouncing off the walls then I would say probably that polyamory in practise may not be the thing for me. I do also understand that one person, and I still believe this is true, that one person could not meet all of my needs. As I am currently not in an intimate relationship, but having many friendships to meet most of my needs, I am yet to experience this in totality. I have also looked at as to whether my sexuality is the same as it has always been. And it is, but I see it as me being more authentic and being able to show that now. I don’t know whether I would put myself under the label such as bisexual or queer or gay, I would just say I am who I am and I fall in love with who I fall in love with. I know that those that are on this journey with me will see that as just being me. It does make me look back with some regrets on my life as it has been so far, where there have been missed opportunities for being in a relationship in a different way.
There are those friends within my life, I see them as the romantics, that say to me there’s every possibility I am considering different relationship dynamics because I have not met ‘the one’ as yet. I do find that this is a romantic pressure that is something I have not appreciated throughout my life, especially as I am a perfectionist, and this has not helped within the realms of intimate relationships. And I’ve certainly never been the husband and two children type, no judgment on those that are, but that never was me. I’m also able to reflect now having had my autism diagnosis that there are particular sensitivities that I have that do actually impact my intimate relationships. My senses are heightened; my sense of smell, taste, touch, which can all lead to an interesting intimate life at times, but the ADHDer in me can lead me down a path of spontaneity that can put me in vulnerable and at times dangerous positions. Luckily for me this has not been taken to a point of any serious physical or sexual or psychological damage. I do realise that it could of.
For me at the moment, in the journey that I am on, looking at and having an understanding of myself from a different perspective now, means that I am able to approach intimate relationships in a different way. And also explain to whoever it is that I may get involved with, that I do present like this and that life with me is going to be a little different, with more effort and self-realisation for both of us. The hardest thing I think is getting over the terminology from times past where I have been called too much hard work and, the usual, whether it be relationship focused or not, in that I am wrong for being or feeling or verbalising things in the way that I do. The hardest thing I’ve found in any relationships, be they professional or personal, is when I basically have got to the point of overload and my head will push pretty much anything out of my mouth, especially when I am having a hard time processing within a highly emotive conversation. Within these times my brain will go searching for anything and everything that it can find to be able to process what it is that I am feeling, this can bring up historical things from previous relationships, previous arguments and really not be relevant to whatever is happening in that actual moment which can compound the issue at that time. I know that I have a sharp tongue, I know that I can be fairly blunt, but if people have an understanding of what is behind that, then I’m hoping them knowing about my AuDHism will be beneficial for actually creating a lasting relationship within my life. Working with me instead of burning me down.
If someone can see past the reactionary ADHD and autism, understanding that at the core of me is someone who feels very deeply in every which way possible, that they see the creative and brilliant mind for what it actually is, then I’m hopeful for the future in finding somebody that I can be with. It may not just be a someone, it may be more than one, although as I say that is something that I’m still currently investigating. A bit like the curious case of myself!