Promises of things that people have made over the years and never fulfilled. I find this throughout my life where I have friends, loved ones that have promised things which have never come to fruition. The only thing about me is I am very much an equaliser. I mean this in the sense that if you imagine old-type scales I put the problem on one side and I put my understanding on the other and it generally evens it out. This has not always been to my own benefit and I have over-stepped many boundaries in my time. Doing this is also meant great hurt and sacrifice from my side. Not that the other ever knew or the impact it had on me.
Opportunities missed, money lost and most of all my self-esteem taking a very large hit. I can find it hard at times to swerve the disappointment that I feel. Being let down by those that I care about really impacts me hard. Like I say, I always understand as to why I have ended up being let down but that does not take away how much it upsets me and impacts my ability to have total trust in others and their care for me.
Over the years I came to know myself as a rescuer. Being aware of this means that I’ve needed to put more boundaries in place and ensure that I don’t overstep them. But like all management in my life it does not mean to say that this always works and it can still drain my energy and focus. I have come to understand that boundaries can be different structures in themselves being flexible or solid and therefore try not to chastise myself, when in my life with my relationships if these are changed or made different in any way.
My frustration comes in how I actually communicate this with those friends and loved ones in my life. Due to how deeply I feel things I am always awkward in being able to put this across in a subtle way and it can generally come out as anger or abruptness, when that is the last thing it actually is. It’s more frustration at the situation itself and not down to just the person.
People have lives and their own trials to work through. This can be a reason for letting those down who you care about. That’s what I struggle with. And I am sure I am more than guilty of it myself. Seeing the grey areas isn’t always easy and being black and white thinking doesn’t help in this kind of situation.
It can make me feel that I am a rather judgmental person. And to a particular point I guess I am. Judging things is a protective mechanism and useful to have. It is a self-preservation aspect we all have in us, it’s how we were built to survive. Fitting it into the current society is not always easy when society is still learning about Neurodivergent people.
It’s hurtful to have promises from those I care about that then are not fulfilled. Simple things as catch ups where people have then cancelled for me to then see on social media that they have headed out on jollies with other people. I get it, I really do. This does not mean to say that it doesn’t impact me in a very hurtful way. But how do I actually tell people that without coming across as some control freak or fucking weirdo?! And do I eject these people from my life for my own sanity and care?
Would it help for other people in my life to realise how much the ground opens up and wants to swallow me when that happens? How sad it makes me. How much it makes me want to cry. And how I end up feeling like a reject and outcast.
Even at the ripe old age of 54 I still question myself on these things and to me it feels like I’m not learning properly, that there is something in the process of relationships I am missing.
In the past week I have come across issues to do with truth. When someone has lied in a situation to benefit themselves and made a situation for me worse because of it, I do find this very hard to handle and also to forgive. It’s like suddenly there is this huge dent within the relationship, be that professional, personal or close. And I do find it hard to navigate through these kind of times when I have found out that someone has overstretched the truth for their own benefit and left me to pick up the pieces. One example of this was being unable to be there for my mum in her times of needing support and then having to rely on my sister for such instances.
Another is where someone received accolade for an idea I passed on to them and I received no recognition on the input. In fact I find this happens a lot. Another example is when others take decisions for me without including me in them or communicating this to me and letting me actually be part of that decision process. Usually because they are protecting me, yet all it does is disempower me. And however much I have tried to stop myself being trusting initially in new relationships I find that this does not come naturally to me and being an AuDHD do still over share. Which can get me in all kinds of trouble. Being in a space of, I want to say over reaction but that would not be the correct description, it is more like hyper attention to everything that I am saying and this has the knock on effect of wearing me out and heading me towards burnout.
In the scheme of coming to terms with my diagnoses I find myself questioning my reactions and where I am currently at. I believe that the terminology for this relating to the Kubler-Ross curve of change I would currently be in the depression or anger phase.
And I’m guessing this may not be the last time either.