I was going to write about spirituality this week. However due to the kind of week I’ve had I’ve decided that this week’s topic is going to be post diagnosis blues or as the pathologising terminology sector call it, burnout. I recently got my award for access to work. The application itself took five months from start to finish, so it hasn’t been a quick process, although compared to the waiting lists for neuro divergent assessments currently, it’s positively weenie. I had an autism assessor within the service to look at the kind of things that I would need. Various items were identified that could help me, one of those is a particular bit of software that helps with dictation. The others were coaching elements. One part which is general or standardised coaching work with somebody who has an understanding of neuro divergence, especially AuDHistic traits. The other was specific ADHD coaching, for which I have put forward a particular company I’m aware of, having been on various webinars through LinkedIn. I was also helpfully provided with two reasonable adjustment documents, one of which is for employment and one of which is for education. Of course the part in there that actually says about approaching me differently to how I have been since I’ve started my current role, means that historically I wasn’t approached like that, so I do still find myself in quite a back foot state.
Within my working world I used logic to identify doing data might be a good thing for me, after getting really good feedback from a data course I completed, in relation to provision of data in visual form through a medium such as Power BI. This is seemingly not the case. And I also do not want to be too harsh on myself as I feel a lot of the process that I currently go through at work are convoluted and are not efficient. However I am also aware that I am not Privy to the whole picture as to how and who uses the data that we input. There is a knowledge that I do need to get this data correct. My understanding of my neurodivergent traits means life at the moment is not easy and this does impact my ability to do my current role to the standard expected.
Within the realms of my emotional stability at the moment there is a lot going on in my life. Things have got quite busy in regards to family and due to this this has taken a lot of emotional energy because of the traumatic and life changing things that have happened. I have also realised, whilst I have celebrated getting the access to work award, it does also mean that my administration of myself has now doubled. I’m not quite sure how someone with autism and ADHD is meant to absorb that amount of administration to enable them to get them the things that are going to help them. I mean, isn’t that part of the issue, that I’m not very good at things like that, that my weaknesses lie in this particular area that I am now expected to follow through with?! And the system says I’m the odd one!
So along with the family challenges and the additional admin that access to work has now generated, I find myself in a position of extreme lack of energy, focus and self-belief, when I need all of that to enable me to yet again move jobs. I think the hardest thing with this, is the having an awareness that I’ve actually bought this additional sphere of life into being, makes me feel even more shockingly bad. I can see now why a lot of my peers outside of work are actually not in full-time jobs. They have either a day’s work to do or are of the mind that they will never work and if they do it will be a long time in the future, when they have actually already gone through their counselling or accessing additional services which may help them to move into work.
This is a particular me focused point of view, however having lost one parent last year and losing another to an absolutely awful disease called dementia, it means that my support system is dwindling. I get I have amazing friends, I get I have amazing family, but it’s not really the same as my parents. They always just accepted me for how I am and the best bit of that was listening without judgement or trying to fix me, just to let me rant as my peer networks do. It does kind of freak me out though, as when I haven’t been the best with money (an ADHD trait) I’ve always had them to turn to and I know that that won’t be a thing in the future. This worries me, it concerns me. It also pushes me into the realms that I need a job that is higher paid, therefore higher responsibility and I don’t even know if I’m capable of that because it seems that I’m not even capable of the midpoint ones. I am glad in a lot of ways that I do seem to have moved away from the more entry level jobs. I’ve also been considering the fact that as I do work from home and how this has helped me, by getting things such as my anxiety under better control and having more time to do things that make me well, I do know that I actually miss interaction with people. The thing about getting used to having a better understanding of myself and my energy drains is knowing how to keep that on a particular equilibrium. And then there is the self-knowledge that also contradicts that, of that there isn’t ever particularly an equilibrium but management in such a way that recovery is quicker. And to not beat yourself up about it when what did work before doesn’t at a different time. My god, we think a lot don’t we????!!!
In conclusion to my current conundrum it means that the dark spots in life are currently more than the light spots. I fully expect this to change in the future. But there is a lot of flux all in one go at the moment. I do get that things such as the coaching that I will be getting will be beneficial for me however currently I could just do with a drip feed of energy from somewhere. My current management systems seem to be failing more than I would like them to but at the same token I also know that there is an extreme amount of drain on my emotional centres right now. My biggest fear has been and always will be, where this kind of extreme emotional bombardment bullied me to the edge of depression yet again. And I know that there are those out there that will totally relate to the fact that this does seem to be quite the constant battle for those of the neurodivergent persuasion. However I do think for me looking back on times like this I know that there will be some kind of amazingly creative and beneficial thing that will come out of this time. So at least that actually gives me something to look forward to even though I don’t know what that might be as yet. But like somebody reminded me the other day my AuDHistic journey will never end, because there is no destination. And sometimes there are leaves on the line and rocks that throw you off course for a bit.