So when I started my first job many years ago I was in Quality Control at a professional print lab as a photographic retoucher. Within this role what I needed to do was to take out any of the fine hairs that were apparent on wedding and portraiture prints, as they had got on the lens when printing and showed up as white on the prints. This was going way, way back before digital technology and therefore I used to retouch with a paintbrush and ink at the time. It was pointed out to me that I took a rather long time doing this. Looking back on things now this is very apparent that I saw so many bits of dust that others probably wouldn’t even spot because of my attention to detail, but also my tendency for perfectionism due to…was it due to not having a diagnosis or was it due to just the fact that this happens to be one of the traits of someone who is neurodivergent? I’m kinda done with the ‘it’s due to the fact that I had a late diagnosis. It wasn’t seen at the time’ kind of shit. At the end of the day I have attention to detail whether I have a diagnosis or not. Throughout my time within my working life I have been made aware that my perfectionist tendencies are not particularly looked upon very favourably in the world of work.
The majority of businesses that are out there are there for one purpose and that is to make money. Perfectionism within this realm does not relate. It took me to get to about my third job, which I’m sure as you can imagine I had had quite a few even before I hit 21, as that seems to be the norm for those again within the neurodivergent collective. So it took me until my third job to be told that I needed to drop my standards. I was unable to work in the way I wanted. I was unable to work to the innate skills that I had. I felt ashamed at having them. I was encouraged to hide them under a bushel. I got lead to pack them up into a teeny, weeny, little room in the back of my head and ensure that they didn’t come out, because it was not appreciated or wanted within the society I found myself in. how rubbish is that? Pretty shit hey. Luckily I am now in a role where my perfectionist tendencies can be made the most of. I am in a role where data and its accuracy are highly prized. If you have been following my journey you will know that it has not been the smoothest towards getting my head around the role I currently do. It has taken a long hard slog to get to a point where I have my head around my duties and the expectations of the work that I produce to be correct.
The tendency to want things perfect has also permeated within my relationships over the years. This has left me pretty lonely at times, as I am sure you can understand. My expectations of friends and lovers has been such that it has been very detrimental to be able to grow those relationships to a longevity point. However I do find that as I have a friend that has been in my life since I was seven years old, I’m obviously not that bad at relationships. I believe that going forward, due to my diagnoses, that I can certainly approach relationships in a different and better way having a more full understanding of who I am and being able to communicate my needs better to someone else. In fact I know this makes a huge difference in an intimate relationship, because I no longer tolerate someone who is unable to do self-enquiry or who does not meet me with similar kindness and affection as I show them. These, I have found, are nothing to do with perfectionism but preference and love language. And that has been a self-realisation.
I am unsure as to where the perfectionist trait within a neurodivergent brain could be pointed out but I’m pretty sure it is there somehow and some way in the future maybe we will. We all seem to have this tendency and expectation of ourselves. It can be nice to find out that there are work positions out there that can actually make the most of these innate skills that we have. I’m guessing really that the challenge is for ourselves to have an understanding as well, of the expectations of those that we are working for and with. For instance I realised within my photographic retouching role that there were particular customers where I could get away with not so much perfectionism as I could with others. I knew who would be able to see where I had missed particular bits or if I hadn’t done it as well as I could of. I also found being in a customer service role throughout quite a lot of my life that customers’ expectations were generally far lower than mine most of the time. This however did not have the impact of me dropping my perfectionist tendencies and I would always go above and beyond what was generally required of me.
Psychologically you could see that the perfectionism we find within our ND selves is a by-product of masking and trying to fit in with those and society around us. Carving yourself to fit just means you whittle yourself away. Being perfectly flawed is something I like to think of as myself now. So I’m parking my perfectionism for now. And just trying to be the best version of me that I can, which is fluid at the best of times!