So it’s been a bit of a time lately. This blog should have been up weeks ago. But as it is my own and it’s only me who puts the pressure on me for getting it out on time, then in essence it isn’t really late. Plus, I don’t really know how many people are actually reading it or finding it useful. Which I guess comes down to getting the feedback that I am actually making a difference to others surfing a similar river. That it helps.
I have had a lot of life stuff going on recently. Things that I’m not going to put into a blog if I’m honest. But let’s just say one of these things might sweep somebody away emotionally and I’ve had at least five in a matter of weeks. I’ve done the sensible thing as I usually do when I start feeling like I am. Which is clinging on by my fingernails to the precipice of depression yet again. Where I see all the signs and symptoms that present themselves when my mental health starts going under the waves. Even trying to do this blog today is a push but I feel it necessary to share with others and anyone who does read this, that at times regardless of the catch nets and wellbeing for yourself that you put in place, that sometimes life can be just too much.
I’ve done all the things as I should. Contacting my GP, speaking with a wellbeing practitioner, being referred for counselling. To then find out tonight that although that referral has been accepted it will now be 12 months until I get to speak to somebody. And whilst I wholly appreciate the pressure that services are under, not just at this time but for a long time, I am concerned for myself and my situation. Today I have started looking at local psychotherapists who specialise in ASD and ADHD as for me, I need someone who has an understanding of my neurodiversity and can help me navigate it better. In case there is a something I am not doing.
But my reasoning for getting counselling and ensuring that my mental health is well is so that I do not get signed off work sick. And this really, really riles me. Yet again I find myself questioning how society is structured. How things in the UK are Structured in such a way that they do not work with people regardless as to whether you are neurodiverse or not. The government has recently said that they will be helping disabled people who are on benefits get back to work. One of the reasonings for this is because there are more homeworking roles available now since the pandemic. And yet prior to the pandemic so many employers were against homeworking anyway and fighting for it not coming into being.
I know for me that my working time, with the energy and focus that I have is overstretched within my current role, this is something that I have always struggled with and in times past, prior to diagnosis, I would not like to admit to. I do not cope in this society and I have no quick fix or solution that can remedy that. Whilst I can make moves towards a working structure I believe would do me better, this is not something that can happen overnight and I can see a few years is not really such a long time with how quick time goes anyway, it’s not really here now is it? I am still doing all the things that I do to keep me on an even keel, to keep me well, and keep me functional – But this it seems still is not enough to be able to work within this society.
I recently watched an amazing series by Graham Hancox called Ancient Apocalypse. Within those societies there was always a place For the weird and wonderful, the spiritual, the shamans and the wise women. And it makes me think as to whether that is what we are missing within this society, the woo-woo crowd, as I know a lot of those who have alternative beliefs are classed in, are missing and why there are so many of us now that are being diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. If I had managed to follow my passion of Astrology, Herbalism and witchcraft many years ago I may be in a very different place right now. This does not mean that I cannot reinvent myself or that that is not the way that I am heading. I just find it regrettable and sad that I now sit here in my 50s going back to the same things from my teenage years, that were scorned, frowned upon and laughed at.
The hardest thing is admitting that whatever I think will fix and make me well enough to continue within the societal structure I am part of does not seem to work. I would love to hear from those who have grown their own passions to such a point that they are able to live off the proceeds of that and that their mental wellbeing stays stable. But maybe I am expecting too much not only of myself but of others as well, in that I know everyone has up and down days however I am well aware that my neuro diversities and the way I am wired means that I crash more spectacularly than those of the neurotypical persuasion. I see a lot of people who are late diagnosis doing podcasts and being able to follow their passions after becoming popular through Instagram and other platforms. I still feel that regardless of this they must have bad times, they must have times that challenge them emotionally and physically where they get to the edge of clinging on to their sanity yet again.
Part of me feels like I should apologise for the lack of buoyancy or positiveness within this post. I also know that there are so many people out there that will relate to it so much. And I also know that this too shall pass and that there is only so much I can control within my own sphere. Sometimes, just sometimes I wish I was able to take a mental health sabbatical from work. However I know for businesses, that this is something that cannot be absorbed within employment for someone else. I don’t even know whether this is something that even if I work for myself could be absorbed either but I can’t comment on that because I am not there… yet.
So I wish you all well through this silly season that is now upon us. I will make it through and so will you. Lean on those who love you, get some laughs then give the four-legged furry fiends a big hug. I’m gonna be kind to myself and not do another blog until next year, we all need to remember that being kind to ourselves, though sometimes the hardest thing to do, but also the priority.
Have a Blessed Solstice and see you on the other side.