There are often times that I have used this phrase; “Sorry, that fell out of my face”. This is generally when I have overshared or been brutally honest about something. At times it doesn’t go down very well. An example lately was in general chit chat with another person at work and them being really happy because they thought something they’d done had a really good impact on the amount of positive things flowing through at work, unfortunately I managed to stamp all over that by telling them that it was a mixture of things and not what they had just done. All I was doing was being honest in the moment, as I do, and I looked at their face after they did a gesture of smacking themselves on the head with a baseball bat and I had to apologise yet again because it had fallen out of my face. I do also remember a time within the adult autism group within my local area when lockdown was on and it was the first time I had joined in on one of the online meet ups. There was somebody who came in a bit late and was apologising and talking more after stepping in on my conversation. I said a very openly sexual thing. I’d never met them before in my life! And I wonder why at times I’ve got myself into trouble with others, or should I say of being just me really. However in a neurotypical world this is seen as flirtation and coming onto somebody. I am at the end of the day a very friendly and open person, having no filter can mean at times people can receive it in the wrong way.
The whole thing about not having a filter has been quite choppy waters at times. As I have become more aware of this tendency on my journey I don’t particularly try and stop myself, however this at times does not endear me to all those I meet. As you can surmise, work and intimate relationships have probably had the hugest impact for this particular character trait. The thing is about being unfiltered is that it can be very hurtful and traumatic not just for the person on the receiving end but for how much it actually impacts me emotionally as well. Within the work realms this would have the impact of not being put forward for promotion, constantly being in trouble and basically feeling shit about myself, with a lack of recognition for any other work put in being overshadowed by my awkwardness. This has resulted in me playing the part of child rather than adult too many times in my life. In regards to the emotional side of things the amount of times that I’ve had to apologise or try and explain myself to another without the proper understanding that I have now has generally impacted the person a lot more than it should. I really am not here to be a bitch. However lack of filter means that at times I could say things that are quite hurtful to others. I also find if it is within an intimate relationship, and being challenged, my brain goes searching for every kind of similar scenario previously and how I’ve dealt with things then, I can again at times push the wrong things out of my face that then impacts the argument even more. I know that there are a lot in the neurokin world that will relate to what I am saying.
I don’t ever mean to hurt people. And I know that the understanding from others of when I realise I have upset them, that a lot of the time I wish that the floor would just open and swallow me up. The impact that my unfiltered comments can have on my own emotional wellbeing is generally swept under the carpet because of the impact it has had on somebody else. The chastisement and tellings off that I have given myself over the years for this impact within my life is a trauma within itself.
I often wonder how this will play out as I move forward in my neurodivergent journey. I have noticed that I am catching myself a lot quicker when I do do these things and as I am being more verbal and aware of my own character traits and flaws, then at least I have the current repertoire to lean on and explain to others if anything negative happens from the things that I’ve said.
What I’m trying to say is it will never stop but at least I am able to embrace being like that now and give others an explanation as to why. Not quite got my head around the flirting bit yet but then that hasn’t had as much of a negative impact on me as being honest has. The amount of brain power it would actually take to not be honest and to stop myself from saying things in the past I am sure has added towards the general burnout that I have experienced regularly through my life. What I find moving along in my journey, I am not going to say forward because that would suggest a linear path and I don’t think that is reflective of the experience, I am not so embarrassed about being who I am. Being around others or socialising more with neurokin not just within my personal life but also within work has meant that I have had the support and understanding of my neurofamily in such a way that it has given me the confidence to be OK with who I am. I know that there are those in my life who said that they always saw me like that anyway. And that’s lovely, that’s wonderful. However my experience of that has been different, my experience of that has meant that I have constantly done self-reflection in such a way that it was always me that was the one that was in the wrong and needed to change. I had the comment from a friend and work colleague the other day that over the past few weeks I seemed to have come back into my own again, owning my own power, and seeing the change in me I was told that this was beautiful. Therefore it was very, very much worth getting a diagnosis and continuing to access the peer support within personal and work areas. I am soon to be starting my ADHD coaching in relation to my workplace and I am looking forward to continued understanding of the strengths that I do have, as I still find that I am unsure as to what these are specifically. I am currently enjoying my journey again. This is because of the acceptance and understanding I am seeing from so many and it warms my heart that life right now ain’t so bad. In fact it’s the best it has been for years!