So this month I wanted to talk about disclosure to friends, relatives, loved ones and beyond. It’s always hard when you come across a diagnosis later on in life that really is life changing. I found when I got both of my diagnoses, at a separation of 5 months between them, that sharing this information has had various reactions from those that share my life. I went into my employment knowing that I was expecting an autism diagnosis, however, I was unaware at the time that I would also get an assessment and diagnosis for ADHD. All of my research prior to my autism diagnosis was surrounding autism and as I got my ADHD diagnosis before this, it was rather a shock and I found that I then had additional information to understand, digest and look into in depth.
Sharing the news of my new ADHD diagnosis with within my relationship at the time did not go well. I found this horrendously devastating at the time. I had just been given a life changing diagnosis and needed time to get my head around it. I wanted help to navigate the issues I had had for a lifetime I felt the world drop away from me. The main relative that was able to support and assist in both of my pre-assessments for my diagnoses helped a lot by giving information to the diagnostic service process. However, I find that since then it has generally not been spoken about. Whilst again, on the people pleaser spectrum, I find I have not approached the subject to see as to whether I should continue to disclose to my relative how the process is unfolding for me or even if they are interested. I do take into account that when describing my mental health issues to them they found it very hard to understand and even know what I was going through. I know they are aware that in times past of anxiety and depression that they have been there for me as much as they have the capability to, but I’m not even sure how I would describe to them the kind of things I am currently going through and processing about myself. I do also take into account that everyone has their own lives and that there are other responsibilities and pressure within each of ours. Sometimes others do not find it easy to talk about with me and I am seen to cope the majority of the time and therefore do not need support. It is something that I am wrestling with in how I even approach the subject when I am still going through understanding myself. I guess I could liken it to describing my witchcraft and paganism to them where they just accept me as I am and leave me to my weirdness. I find at the moment that it is something I need to sit with and decide, maybe not the best course of action, but whether it would be beneficial for them to know.
When it comes to my friends it has been a different story. There are those within my close friendships who know the various trials I have gone through, as the majority I know – whether they have been diagnosed or not – sit under the neurodiverse banner, therefore they take the things I share with them in their stride and have an innate understanding. They are all pretty extraordinary. There are some friends that I have lost along the way, this has been for varying reasons of no longer being in each other’s sphere and they have naturally ended. There are some, for my pleasure, that have returned to my friendship circle. Ones who for sure are neurodiverse and therefore contact can at times be very lengthy and sporadic. As most of my readers may relate to this, it is not an unusual situation and I do not find it an issue. A couple of friends that I have known for a number of years I’ve recently bumped into and spent some time with playing cards and having a drink. I let them know about my diagnoses and their inquiry was one of interest and concern. I luckily met my partner through a local peer support group and its good to have an understanding of one another. Past relationship traumas can make the road rocky at times but having intimacy and caring for one another wins out for sure.
I think the thing about disclosure to anyone carries an element of risk. But I have always shared myself enquiry travels with my friends and it is comforting to know that they will listen in a caring and supportive way. Due to the nature of their work it has also been helpful for shedding light in the areas of mental health support and where it does and doesn’t exist within my particular region. Insider information has been pivotal in the directions that I take to gain further support after my diagnoses. It is actually quite traumatic for others within my life who have been trying to navigate these waters for many years and not receiving the support, treatment or even the right diagnosis that they need to then be able to help them better. From my friends that have added to this font of knowledge I wholeheartedly thank each and every one of you. At times that has meant hard and deep conversations of where they are at, breaking open to the shadow sides of their lives. For some it has meant depression, others to the point of psychosis and the time it takes for both acceptance and recovery in these areas. As I have shared before, the bad times never go away, you just add to your mental health tool box – of which most now have a metaphorical room, with a time-release box for the meds and therapy section. And a massive speaker to blast the best or darkest of music.
My employment journey has been one hell of a surf where I have gone under the waves a number of times. Very luckily I have had a manager who not only is a coach outside of work, but also is doing their masters in psychological well-being. They have always been open to honest dialogue and also helped me to gain the skills and knowledge I have needed to be able to execute my current role. They were also pivotal in helping to build my self-confidence and self-belief. This is something that the majority of previous employers had totally and utterly crushed. The biggest one being the main supplier of health care in England, which I find wholly contradictory and ironic. However, I am glad that I disclosed my neurological differences to my present employer as I have found that the adjustments and honesty that I can practise have been beneficial in many ways. Especially with the new-found acceptance and confidence I see myself expressing and have had compliments on too!
So in conclusion I would say that being able to disclose to those in my life whether that be loved ones or employer, it has been definitely to my benefit and not detriment in moving forward on understanding myself and being able to ask for adjustments along the way. These days I even go so far as telling suppliers for everyday items that I deal with that I have these diagnoses as well and usually ask them to communicate with me in a clear, precise, usually bullet-pointed, way. This generally helps, with what has been quite apparent throughout my life, in regards to miscommunication and misunderstandings. As someone who is AuDHDistic I find that there are better ways of communicating with me that are more effective and therefore resort in a less traumatising interaction. And I think for getting the message out to the wider community in regard to the struggles those of us under the neuro divergent banner have the better as knowledge, acceptance and understanding is key to a calmer life.