As I have found life to be cyclic I find myself oscillating back to very similar trends within my life that I am again thinking about. Things such as how I approach my employment or relationships. It has been noted in many of my other blogs that these are the two things that I have found very hard to navigate within my life prior to my diagnoses.
I recently watched a podcast about relationships within the realms of ADHD. And this is something due to my personal circumstances that I have yet again found myself reflecting on. The podcast itself centred around the usual relationships of either long-term, living together or marriage and with children and these are things yet again that for me personally I cannot relate to. This has not been my experience and I know that that will not resonate with everybody.
I am in the throes of an early and rather beautiful relationship where I have actually found someone who accepts, listens and loves me in such a way that I do not get burnt down constantly for being me. This has also bought up the major conundrum that I have with living with someone else. Whilst it is an idealistic way of looking at relationships within the society we currently are in I still do not know whether this is the right thing for me.
The measures of relationships are still based on a neurotypical way and a neurotypical society. I am not that and never have been.
So it leaves the question of what does a relationship for those of us on the neurodivergent ship with the wreckages of relationships past floating around us look like?
I am someone who finds it very hard to be around someone 24/7. Translation means that I am unable to live with someone or be in a committed relationship in the societally accepted sense. I like my space. If I do not get alone time I tend to stop eating, stop regulating, stop doing the management that keeps me well. And even being able to approach each day in some kind of manageable way. Things just start to go really badly in every area of my life. A lack of Focus, clarity and emotional dysregulation comes to the fore. Which then means that parts of the relationship start to break down.
Being in a relationship with another AuDHD and having our previous traumas through late diagnosis, this also means that we are highly empathic especially to one another. Spending a lot of time together means that we can both get highly dysregulated, especially when each or both of us are going through hard emotional times. Picking up easily what the other is feeling and soaking that up without realising, not knowing what is ‘mine’ and ‘theirs’. But it also is through this connection and empathy that we find how good we are together as well.
How to navigate these strange and unknown waters with someone who actually gets me, means we both need to rewrite the book of what relationship is for us.
If I lived in a massive sprawling mansion where we could easily have our own space, I am sure that we could live together very happily. However seeing as I am grounded in reality and know that this is not the case, then we need to do this in a way that suits us and not at the expense of what we believe relationship should be in the society we are in.
Not living in the same house does not mean that you do not have a close and loving relationship. It does not mean that you are not heading for long-term. It does mean that the structure will look different to whatever it is that you have put in place previously that has failed, trying to fit into an acceptable norm and with no realisation of the different way your brain is wired. It has failed in relation to your own needs and what it is that keeps you safe and level.
So I am still trying to do things in a different way that no podcast or textbook or psychologist can actually reflect back to me.
And that’s ok because I am quite happy to write my own story, not only where it comes to relationships, but also in how I make my money.
UK Society is very broken in my eyes. I cannot comment on any others because I have not and do not live in them. This is not to say that they do not have their own challenges in their own ways and as to how their societal structure plays out. However a very simplistic view of it is that Society has always been created to revolve around education, wealth and money and how much you can bring in for Society themselves and usually for an elite few, it is far from inclusive for sure. It does not seem to work for those of us that are now being diagnosed as neurodivergent who aren’t in that space. I am not saying that those who are successful in these things do not struggle, especially after getting a very bloody late diagnosis, I can only see this from my space. I still don’t see it working for people and humanity themselves.
Our NHS is over-run through the impact of how life’s structure is ‘meant’ to be, with co-morbidities galore, an ineffective mental health service (not due to those who are in it to help) and an unwell society in general. Changes are happening and it could be too little too late for some. Will there be far more impact to the individual because of previous misdiagnoses, treatments, long waiting lists and some in jobs that are unable to keep pace with medical and psychological progress, where the person it so broken it will take far more resources by that point to actually help them. By the time the person has done their own research and broken down the barriers for those that are meant to have helped in the first place means far, far more to unpick?! If only there was just one place or person accountable for that…?
Our NHS is over-run through the impact of how life’s structure is ‘meant’ to be, with co-morbidities galore, an ineffective mental health service (not due to those who are in it to help) and an unwell society in general. Changes are happening and it could be too little too late for some. Will there be far more impact to the individual because of previous misdiagnoses, treatments, long waiting lists and some in jobs that are unable to keep pace with medical and psychological progress, where the person is so broken it will take far more resources by that point to actually help them. By the time the person has done their own research and broken down the barriers for those that are meant to have helped in the first place means far, far more to unpick?! If only there was just one place or person accountable for that…?
A statement which is true, though easier said, is that you have to structure your life around you and what works for you, along with playing along with what societal responsibilities are required. Because I have no idea how to change a society.
I get that life is wavy and not linear and at times I find it hard to apply that to the things that I am going through at the time. Stripping away societal norms is not the easiest thing to do when you are also coming to terms with who and how you are. But luckily I have a willing and committed confidant that I can do that with. Finding someone else who is also happy to do their own self enquiry is so beneficial to our relationship. And for that I am ever hopeful that we can carve our own way of being, not only for ourselves but with one another.